i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
