i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I am spending my child support on dildos
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
