all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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