I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
