lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
