I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
