how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
