That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
