you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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