One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
