watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
