As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
