i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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