So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I am one with the molecules
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
