the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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