Jerry, you need to find god
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
