I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
