How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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