my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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