I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
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