At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
