At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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