tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
