highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
