If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
