The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I wish you could order shots online.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
