Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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