I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
