our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
