i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
