True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
