You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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