Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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