yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
