thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
