I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
