Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
