my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
