As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
