So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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