I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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