I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
