i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
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