I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
