so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
