U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
