Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
