and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
