You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
