Banned from zoo.
Again?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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