the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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