Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
